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How To Argue Mindfully?
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All of us have an opinion on everything going on in the world. This is natural as we collect information about things happening around us and make judgments.
With so much going on, it is almost impossible to avoid debates and discussions with your family and friends about the most controversial topics. And when things get heated, we may all cross lines. Hurt the feelings of the person that is on the other side of the barricade, and what’s important too, get hurt yourself.
We preach mindfulness for all aspects of our lives. So, why not try to argue mindfully too?
You may wonder, what arguing mindfully means. This means being able to exchange opinions. And debate in a way that the situation doesn’t escalate so much as to become mutually offensive and unhealthy for your relationship with your loved ones.
There are no winners when you are arguing with a loved one.
It is important to get into an argument with this idea. Approach the argument as a question of discussion after which you or the other person might change their opinion on something. But even if you do understand this, there are still a lot of things to learn to be able to argue mindfully with anyone and on any topic.
With so much going on, it is almost impossible to avoid debates and discussions with your family and friends about the most controversial topics. And when things get heated, we may all cross lines. Hurt the feelings of the person that is on the other side of the barricade, and what’s important too, get hurt yourself.
We preach mindfulness for all aspects of our lives. So, why not try to argue mindfully too?
You may wonder, what arguing mindfully means. This means being able to exchange opinions. And debate in a way that the situation doesn’t escalate so much as to become mutually offensive and unhealthy for your relationship with your loved ones.
There are no winners when you are arguing with a loved one.
It is important to get into an argument with this idea. Approach the argument as a question of discussion after which you or the other person might change their opinion on something. But even if you do understand this, there are still a lot of things to learn to be able to argue mindfully with anyone and on any topic.
1. Understand Yourself First
If you don’t want the argument with a family member or friend to turn into a heated debate and damage your relationship, you should understand that a lot depends on you. Even if the other person is not trying to keep things in control, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either. In fact, if only one side takes a mindful approach, the outcome will be totally different.
The first step for learning how to argue mindfully is understanding yourself and your feelings. Determine your expectations. How do you expect the argument to end and what is your goal? How do you feel about the topic? Do you relate to it so much as to experience anger or frustration because of the opposing views of your family and friends?
Acknowledge your feelings while still understanding that when it comes to arguments, responding rationally is preferred over responding emotionally.
If you don’t want the argument with a family member or friend to turn into a heated debate and damage your relationship, you should understand that a lot depends on you. Even if the other person is not trying to keep things in control, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t either. In fact, if only one side takes a mindful approach, the outcome will be totally different.
The first step for learning how to argue mindfully is understanding yourself and your feelings. Determine your expectations. How do you expect the argument to end and what is your goal? How do you feel about the topic? Do you relate to it so much as to experience anger or frustration because of the opposing views of your family and friends?
Acknowledge your feelings while still understanding that when it comes to arguments, responding rationally is preferred over responding emotionally.
2. Keep Your Mind Open And Be Empathetic
Acknowledging the other person’s feelings is just as important as acknowledging your own. When talking about sensitive topics, it becomes even more important to be empathetic.
While putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is not easy, it is easier when you are arguing with a family member or a friend. You know them well enough to imagine what they may be thinking or how they may be feeling.
Keep your mind open to whatever opinion the other person may express. And before you answer, listen carefully to what they are saying. Try to understand where these opinions come from.
Acknowledging the other person’s feelings is just as important as acknowledging your own. When talking about sensitive topics, it becomes even more important to be empathetic.
While putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is not easy, it is easier when you are arguing with a family member or a friend. You know them well enough to imagine what they may be thinking or how they may be feeling.
Keep your mind open to whatever opinion the other person may express. And before you answer, listen carefully to what they are saying. Try to understand where these opinions come from.
3. Learn To Disagree With Respect
One of the key qualities of a person that knows how to argue mindfully is knowing how to disagree respectfully.
Before you express a counter-argument, seek to understand the other person’s point of view. And if they are giving facts, focus on those facts. Focusing on facts will help you understand that the other person’s perspective is based on things that are proved to be true. So, there is no way you can disrespect it.
And what‘s more important, you should always respect the other person’s opinion if it is based on his/her personal experience.
One of the key qualities of a person that knows how to argue mindfully is knowing how to disagree respectfully.
Before you express a counter-argument, seek to understand the other person’s point of view. And if they are giving facts, focus on those facts. Focusing on facts will help you understand that the other person’s perspective is based on things that are proved to be true. So, there is no way you can disrespect it.
And what‘s more important, you should always respect the other person’s opinion if it is based on his/her personal experience.
4. Don’t Blame
An argument is all about presenting facts and proving your point. It is never about blaming the person on the other side, whether it is a friend of yours or someone you are meeting for the first time.
If you were taking part in a debate championship, blaming the other side would be at least unprofessional. But for a family talk that has grown into an argument, blaming the people who hold an opposing view may cause a fight and escalate the situation as much as to result in mutual offense.
Whenever you decide to play the blame game which, by the way, is common for all humans, remember that it is all your feelings. The person in front may cause you a stimulus for anger. But ultimately, you are responsible for your behavior. You should be mindful enough to control your feelings
An argument is all about presenting facts and proving your point. It is never about blaming the person on the other side, whether it is a friend of yours or someone you are meeting for the first time.
If you were taking part in a debate championship, blaming the other side would be at least unprofessional. But for a family talk that has grown into an argument, blaming the people who hold an opposing view may cause a fight and escalate the situation as much as to result in mutual offense.
Whenever you decide to play the blame game which, by the way, is common for all humans, remember that it is all your feelings. The person in front may cause you a stimulus for anger. But ultimately, you are responsible for your behavior. You should be mindful enough to control your feelings
How To De-Escalatre An Argument?
Arguing mindfully isn’t always possible, especially when the topic of discussion is a sensitive one. Additionally, a lot depends on the person you are arguing with. With some people, no matter how hard you try to keep it within the limits of mindfulness, the argument gets overly heated.
This is why it is important to learn about a few techniques of de-escalating arguments. Here are a few things you can do to de-escalate an argument.
Arguing mindfully isn’t always possible, especially when the topic of discussion is a sensitive one. Additionally, a lot depends on the person you are arguing with. With some people, no matter how hard you try to keep it within the limits of mindfulness, the argument gets overly heated.
This is why it is important to learn about a few techniques of de-escalating arguments. Here are a few things you can do to de-escalate an argument.
Control Your Emotions
If you have made it your goal to learn how to argue mindfully but the people around you still haven’t and things get heated easily, the first thing you should do to de-escalate the argument is to control your emotions.
Don’t try to prove yourself. You never have to do this in an argument. The other person may say things in an angry or hurtful manner when emotions are running high. If you are taking the mindful approach, you shouldn’t respond in the same manner.
If you have made it your goal to learn how to argue mindfully but the people around you still haven’t and things get heated easily, the first thing you should do to de-escalate the argument is to control your emotions.
Don’t try to prove yourself. You never have to do this in an argument. The other person may say things in an angry or hurtful manner when emotions are running high. If you are taking the mindful approach, you shouldn’t respond in the same manner.
Don’t Escape The Situation
Walking away isn’t really the best way to de-escalate the situation. Doing this leaves the talk unfinished and you will face an even bigger problem later on trying to mend things. Doing this will also leave the other person feeling disrespected which is certainly not something you would mean for someone you love.
Walk away only when you are in physical danger. In all other cases, don’t run away from the situation. If needed, take a break, let your loved ones know you are still there for them. Control your emotions and try to bring the discussion to an end. It may not end with both sides accepting the opposing view but it will end the discussion in a manner that you and your loved one don’t hold a grudge against each other.
Walking away isn’t really the best way to de-escalate the situation. Doing this leaves the talk unfinished and you will face an even bigger problem later on trying to mend things. Doing this will also leave the other person feeling disrespected which is certainly not something you would mean for someone you love.
Walk away only when you are in physical danger. In all other cases, don’t run away from the situation. If needed, take a break, let your loved ones know you are still there for them. Control your emotions and try to bring the discussion to an end. It may not end with both sides accepting the opposing view but it will end the discussion in a manner that you and your loved one don’t hold a grudge against each other.
Don’t Try To Fix The Situation
While we advise you to not escape the situation and bring it to an end, it is also important for you to understand that in certain cases trying to fix the situation when things are heated is meaningless. In such cases, acting mindfully would mean to calm the argument and come to an agreement to finish it in good terms.
Trying to fix the situation when both sides or one of them is frustrated is not possible. This attempt will further intensify the debate.
While we advise you to not escape the situation and bring it to an end, it is also important for you to understand that in certain cases trying to fix the situation when things are heated is meaningless. In such cases, acting mindfully would mean to calm the argument and come to an agreement to finish it in good terms.
Trying to fix the situation when both sides or one of them is frustrated is not possible. This attempt will further intensify the debate.
We can’t escape conflicts and the arguments in life. But we can get better at handling it, so there is less relational and emotional damage. While arguing with your loved ones is never easy with some practice you can try to make sensitive conversations healthier and more productive.
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